


Science Fair

by Sage (sageness)



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Date Night, Fake Episode, M/M, Science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-23
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-30 07:04:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1015609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sageness/pseuds/Sage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As you know, Carlos is a scientist, and so of course he was eager to see what the brightest young minds of our desert community have spent this semester investigating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Science Fair

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ei8htbithero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ei8htbithero/gifts).



> Enormous thanks to Mizface & Petra for the excellent betas and to all who offered generous hand-holding. New fandoms are hard. <3
> 
> Spoilers through ep 32 "Yellow Helicopters", including 31.5(?) "Condos", as transcribed [here](http://cecilspeaks.tumblr.com/post/63268369939/episode-31-5-condos/).

  
  
  
  
  


The void hangs high above the horizon. Spinning. Lights flickering. Pulsating. More eternal than Earth's sun or moon.

Welcome to Night Vale.

The Sheriff's Secret Police have a special announcement, according to the paper just handed to me by one of their mute, dead-eyed messenger children. Unfortunately, that's all it says. No, there's nothing on the back, either. Perhaps another child will be along soon with an addendum? Until then, well—oh. This one just disintegrated. The messenger child, I mean. Not the paper.

Moving on! 

The Night Vale School District held its annual district-wide science fair last night, and I was honored to attend as the plus-one of their celebrity judge, my beloved, beautiful, perfectly imperfect Carlos. As you know, Carlos is a scientist, and so of course he was eager to see what the brightest young minds of our desert community have spent this semester investigating.

After an early dinner at Big Rico's, we wandered up the block in the evening sun to the Main Street Recreation Center, where the Science Fair was being held. There were only about twenty projects, including the slime volcano and projectile vomit machine from the elementary school grades, and Carlos devoted his full attention and enthusiasm to talking with each of our young scientists, because he is exactly that kind and generous with his time, and also: Science! It's his thing. 

I admit, there was a point where I got bored and went to mingle with the teachers, Sheriff's Secret Police, parents, and the odd silently looming hooded figure, because my thing is community radio, and that means talking with people like you whenever I get the chance. I can report that watching Carlos do what he loves from across a crowded room at the same time that I'm doing what I love...is a great feeling. I can also report that everyone I spoke with thought the repairs to the Rec Center following last year's rift in space-time and pterodactyl attack make the facilities look "even better than new." Well, except for the hooded figure. I have no idea whether it agreed or not because I couldn't understand what it was saying. But over all, well done, Timothy’s Auditorium Repair Contractors!

Now, rather than try to unravel the byzantine and top secret requisites of the winning science projects, let's talk about some that I thought were interesting. First, Night Vale High School freshman Alejandro Rios presented a daring short video observing that when it is cold the Void grows, while the Glow Cloud shrinks. There was apparently some controversy in that there were no experimental conditions for Alejandro to control, which was _technically_ a violation of the science fair's top secret rules. However, everyone agreed that the video of the Void expanding its dark reaches of negative space into the vast, cold sky, especially on days the sun didn't rise, with its weird lights dancing and pulsing high above, was hypnotic and intriguing. Meanwhile, the Glow Cloud's matching expansion in warm air implies a perplexing inverse relationship. Also fascinating: both the Void and the Glow Cloud exist and travel without regard to wind speed or direction, according to Alejandro's narration. No one wanted to disqualify Alejandro's project for not meeting the letter of the top secret rules, but organizers said they couldn't let it win the science fair. In the end, Carlos offered Alejandro an internship at his lab for next summer and everyone seemed happy. 

The Glow Cloud, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment. Or at least it wouldn't respond to Intern Kim when I sent her over to shout questions at it.

Carlos also spent quite a long time with Josh Rubin, who kindly provided surgical masks and gloves for all who came to his presentation. Josh's project was on the discovery and comparative growth mediums of a new species of giant fleshy green fungus. Josh found the fungus while spelunking deep in a cave in the ridge at the edge of Radon Canyon. "Under regular desert conditions," Josh told us, waving generally toward the sand wastes, "the fungus wilts in the sun and dies. Under the eaves next to a house, it only grows three or four inches tall. But indoors, away from windows and natural light, it grows easily to the ceiling, and then its wide lobes encompass the ceiling and cover every surface." Carlos noted that the fungus resembles giant leather coral, complete with polyps, except for how it's a spore-emitting fungus and not a coral at all. This was when I learned that Carlos also scuba dives. Oh, listeners. Isn't he just...?

And I see that Intern Kim is sliding quickly past the door of the Station Management office, which is rattling on its hinges to judge from the sounds. Possibly Station Management is discomfited by science? Or fungus? I wonder if it's Radon Canyon? Huh. Now Kim's making frantic "get on with it" gestures, so let's just take a quick look at the Community Calendar.

\- Friday: the scheduled CD release party for the band created by the Dark Owl Records staff has been canceled. Yesterday, while employees were trying to recreate an iconic scene from the movie Empire Records, the front facade of the Dark Owl Records building collapsed onto the sidewalk below. All members of the band are currently in the hospital, so be sure to send your get well soon howls and chitterings their way.  
\- Saturday is mandatory mulching day. Anything left outside will be mulched. Please bring in all patio furniture, xeriscape gnomes, and, of course, children and pets that you wish to keep.  
\- Sunday is Milk Day at the Ralph's.  
\- Monday won't be, and never was.  
\- Tuesday get two for one bags of "tea" at the sketchy new storefront that just opened next to the old newspaper office.  
\- And Wednesday is Free Iguana and Rattlesnake Neutering at the Night Vale Humane Society, so bring in those pesky reptiles before they become more of a nuisance than they already are.

And now for a word from our sponsor. As I mentioned, our science fair evening – or late afternoon, actually – began with an early dinner of mushroom pesto pizza at Big Rico's Pizza. Big Rico has been experimenting with crust made from shredded zucchini and cauliflower now that wheat and wheat by-products are outlawed, and the results are surprisingly delicious! Obviously, without all that bread in the way they're less filling than traditional pizzas, but that just means there's room for dessert. And can I just recommend the tiramisu? The cake part is now baked from scratch using almond-flour but steeped in brandy like always. _Seriously delish_. And you should just see the face Carlos makes when those delicate flavors hit his percipient taste buds. He really is beautiful, you know. Eating at Big Rico's is, of course, mandatory once per week, but let me tell you, it doesn't have to be a chore.

Listeners, I have an emergency alert coming to you from the Greater Night Vale Medical Community. This is an advisory concerning fungal infections. For toenail fungus: apply gasoline daily for a week. If that doesn't clear it up, ignite. For athlete's foot (or, ah, other athletic fungi): apply dry ice while chanting under a full moon. For candida: Diflucan packs are available at the Night Vale Women's Health Clinic on Main Street at a nominal cost. For giant green fleshy fungus that has only made _brief_ external contact with your body: bathe in acetone and then scrape off all of your skin. Do not touch anyone under any circumstances! For extended skin contact or ingestion, the Sheriff's Secret Police will arrive shortly to take you to quarantine. Say goodbye to your families, but do not touch them! Repeat: do not touch anyone! Remember, the blue helicopters belong to the Sheriff's Secret Police. The black, muraled birds of prey, and yellow helicopters do not. This has been Community Health Tips.

Back to the science fair. Remember the pterodactyl that escaped containment when the rift in space-time opened during the PTA meeting last year? Well, sophomore Elisha Dobbs managed to track down the missing pterodactyl, and rigorous tests conclude that the pterodactyl's guano is non-radioactive. It's a fetching shade of opalescent turquoise that glows in the dark, but it's definitely non-radioactive. That's good news for the families who live in and near its adopted territory on the ridge west of town.

Speaking of things that glow, Night Vale High School senior Letícia Muñoz has managed to raise a clutch of a dozen rattlesnakes that glow bright caution-orange all the time, not just in the dark. Letícia came across the nest while hiking in Radon Canyon, dispatched their mother with her trusty shotgun, and brought the eggs home to hatch under a heat lamp in her family's garage. Letícia says they're friendly and is training them to play percussion in her uncles' norteño band. She was kind enough to take one of them out of their terrarium to demonstrate its skills, and meanwhile the others managed to block the latch from closing, open the lid, and make their escape. Seven of them went exploring before anyone noticed, and it was some time before Letícia rescued all of the adorable little critters from the wilds of the Rec Center.

Maddie Bauer, Letícia's twin sister, has discovered that tarantulas grown under ultrablack light grow fourteen legs. Their standing jumps, without a running start, reached a height of six feet. Maddie has named them "spring-heel" tarantulas and is already seeking a patent. She told us that the next phase is to breed them and see what comes out of the egg sacs both with and without using ultrablack light. With up to five hundred baby tarantulas per egg sac, Maddie believes she should be able to raise a substantial inventory of young arachnids by mid-December, assuming she can keep her sister's rattlesnakes from eating them. I don't know about you, but I think fourteen-legged spiders sound like a great holiday present for the kiddos.

Night Vale, I have some breaking news. According to a message handed to me by a new messenger child from the Sheriff's Secret Police, the giant fleshy fungus that was part of Josh Rubin's science fair project is in fact a virulent pathogen. If you have touched it, report immediately to the scorched, lifeless place in Grove Park where the Shape used to be. If your home, yard, vehicle, children, or pets are exhibiting signs of green fleshy fungus, call out in a loud voice, "Police! I have fungus!" The Sheriff's Secret Police officers constantly monitoring your home and workplace will be able to hear you and respond immediately. Do not, repeat: _do not_ , seek medical care at the hospital.

And here's a brief message from Night Vale Community Radio's new owners, StrexCorp Synernists Incorporated. "Yellow. Yellow is good. Yellow. Yellow trickles. Consider the texture of yellow. Consider its shape. Yellow. StrexCorp understands yellow."

Let's return once more to the science fair. Cheryl Peters, daughter of John Peters, you know, the farmer, has created a species of invisible mice by feeding them invisible corn from her family's farm. "They were originally ordinary brown rodents, but one day they lost all color," she said. You can still pick them up and hold them in your hand, and they appear to be a healthy weight. Their tiny little mouse-claws tickled my hands when I held one, and then it peed on me, which is totally normal for handling visible mice, right? Cheryl has been eating invisible corn her entire life and wants to know when she'll become invisible, herself. This seemed a far greater priority for her than what the judges thought of her project, and I think we can all relate. Don't we all sometimes wish we could be invisible for a while: heard, but not seen? Felt, but not known? Of course, listeners, you hear me without seeing me all the time, so perhaps here on the show we've achieved something similar.

Finally, my absolute favorite exhibit of the entire science fair: the half-fungus, half-crustacean bioengineering project brought to us by 11th-grader Mark Ngoc-Villarreal. These adorable, fluffy pastel crabs have four legs and two claws that aren't even sharp, and they smell just like peppermint. It was all I could do not to bring them home with me. So cute! Well, except when Mark stopped to feed them. The blood and viscera _really_ get everywhere, but the way they groomed each other afterward with their long narrow tongues and feelers? Absolutely adorable! 

And with that, let me take you to [the Weather](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0dISPPNrqQ).

You know, Night Vale, there's just something wonderful about doing my part to support the community _and_ getting to do that with my boyfriend beside me. Of course, Carlos is a scientist and since this is his field of expertise and everything, sometimes I didn't have much to do besides stand there and play with the adorable pastel fungus crabs. They're so _fluffy_! But then after the awards were announced, and all of the glowing rattlesnakes were corralled and tranquilized, after we went home to my apartment and pushed aside the For Rent listings we were going through earlier, and after—well. I was lying in Carlos' arms at the end of the night, and I just said, "Science, huh?" And he laughed in that way that makes his whole face light up, with his beautiful eyes shining with a totally human and non-frightening glow. 

"It makes you happy," I said, and kissed him.

And he stroked my face and said, "Yeah. Yeah, it always has."

And, however little I know about science, or however much I may eventually learn, that makes me happy.

I've been thinking a great deal about happiness lately. About what it means to me. How it is separate from love but often accompanies it. How it sneaks in when you're not paying attention, until one day you're doing something innocuous, like tying your shoes or resurfacing your eyeballs, and you realize the feeling in your chest is enthusiasm and interest and exactly the right amount of calm wonderment. And you think to yourself, "Well, this is unexpected!" The love part is pretty neat, too.

Dear listeners, stay tuned for an hour of three small children endlessly pulling apart wide strips of Velcro, punctuated by the sound of three Night Vale Community College students venting their midterm frustrations on a roomful of bubble wrap.

And as the sun sets with orange and violet hues into our beloved area sand wastes, I want to wish you all an abundantly pleasant, even joyous, evening, no matter where you are or who you're with. Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.

 

_Today's proverb: If you wish for something, you may not get it. But what you wish for might raise its head, sniff curiously in your direction, and decide to devour your life. Be careful what you wish for._

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
